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Journalist, Author, Columnist. My Twitter handle: @seemagoswami

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Orange is the new President

As The Donald becomes the presumptive Republican candidate, here's a sneak peek at what a Trump presidency would look like

So, it is Donald Trump Vs Hillary Clinton in the US presidential race. And while both my head and my heart are with Hillary Clinton, there is a tiny part of me -- call it my funny bone -- that can't help but wonder what a Trump Presidency would look like (and what a hoot it would be; except, of course, you know the real and present danger of a nuclear holocaust).

Trump's run for the Republican nomination has already provided the rest of the world plenty of laughs, even as Americans look on in horror. There was the time he assured us that he didn't have small hands or a small anything else ("there is no problem there, I guarantee it!") in the course of a internationally televised debate. Or when he accused Ted Cruz's father of being directly involved in the assassination of John F. Kennedy. I could go on, but then we'd be here all week, wouldn't we?

Now that he is the official Republican nominee, Trump has mellowed somewhat. The time for calling Mexican immigrants liars, thieves and rapists is clearly over. Now it is time to appeal to the substantial Hispanic vote in America. So, the man who only recently proclaimed, "This is America, where we speak English, not Spanish," is now singing a different tune, sorry, tweet.

Trump recently posted a picture of himself, looking fetchingly orange, combover jelled firmly in place, with a taco bowl artfully arranged before him, fork poised just so. The accompanying tweet read: "Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in the Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!" (In typical Trump fashion, this tweet was a little economical with the truth. Taco bowls are not on the menu at the Trump Tower Grill, though they featured as a 'special' on the Trump Cafe menu to celebrate Cinco De Mayo.)

So, what comes next? Trump dressed in low-slung jeans and an oversized T-shirt accessorized with lots of Jay Z style bling, rapping about how he loves all those nice Black folks? Or as Omar Abdullah tweeted, in reaction to the taco bowl picture, "Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to tweet a picture of himself eating kababs, smoking a sheesha while saying I love Muslims."

But frankly, I have had my fill of the Trump candidacy; I am more intrigued by what a Trump Presidency will bring. So, these days I lie awake at night wondering what The Donald's America (Oh Yes! It's Great Again!) would look like. In case you are just as curious (and why wouldn't you be?), here's a sneak peek:

* The White House will no longer be the White House. It will be renamed the Trump House. And the Donald will only slum it inside the Residence for as long as it takes to build a kick-ass skyscraper ("the tallest building you ever saw") in the Rose Garden. Then, the White House will be converted into a spa, for First Lady Melania's exclusive use.

* Job interviews for the first Trump administration will be conducted on live television on a show called Celebrity Cabinet. And just like the Miss USA and Miss Universe contest, there will be a talent round, a question and answer round, and a swimwear round. America (It's Great Again!) will get to vote on whom it wants as its Secretary of State, Secretary of Justice, etc., and the winner will be crowned by President Trump himself, while Melania will give away the sashes.

* Cabinet meetings will be the new reality TV. They will be telecast live (with a two-minute delay, so that all expletives can be bleeped out) as and when they take place and viewers will be able to tweet in their thoughts on the designated hashtag. Every six months, there will be a season finale during which one Cabinet member will be sacked with the Donald's immortal phrase: "You're fired."

* True to his word, Trump will keep Muslims out of America (Yes! It is Great!) until he has figured out 'what's going on'. And since he's not the brightest bulb, this won't be happening any time soon. But immigration numbers will not go down, as tall, pneumatic, young blonde women from Eastern Europe will get visas in record numbers, with the President himself vetting the applications (it's called succession planning, duh!).

* In keeping with the Trump tradition of giving all his rivals catchy nicknames ('Little Marco' 'Lying Ted' 'Crooked Hillary'), the new President will bestow world leaders with their own monikers. My money is on 'Dodgy Dave' (David Cameron), 'Stupid Angey' (Angela Merkel) and 'Macho Modi'  (our very own Narendrabhai, of course).

* Less than a year into his administration, when the wall on the Mexican border is only half as high as The Donald wanted, funds on the project will have to be diverted into building a wall on the Canadian border. But unlike the Southern wall, which was built to keep Mexicans out, the Northern one will be built to keep Americans in. And yes, this one, Canada will be happy to pay for.

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