Coffee, lunch or dinner?

That depends on where you land on the friendship scale

 

It’s a question that is asked often of us: who is your 3 am friend? As in, who would you not hesitate to call in times of need, no matter what time of day or night it was. And frankly, only the very fortunate among us would have even a couple of friends who fit in that category.

 

But when I was last asked that question, it got me thinking of the many different kinds of friends I have on my list. And how, the best way to differentiate between them is on the basis of what kind of meal/drinks we sit down for together on a regular basis.

 

At the bottom of that list are what I call my “coffee friends”. These are people who are notch above casual acquaintances and a notch below close friends. These are people I am happy to catch up with every month or so, but would not dream of whatsapping on a regular basis. The relationship we have is restricted to coffee and cake; it never extends to a proper meal. When we meet, we are happy to exchange notes about the world in general and the latest social media controversies. But it never goes any deeper; and it never reaches the level of real confidences being exchanged. 

 

On the next rung are my “lunch friends”. This list mostly comprises women with whom I have an independent relationship that does not involve our respective husbands. So, instead of doing ‘couple dinners’ we do ‘solo lunches’. And frankly, I would not have it any other way. It is with these “lunch friends” that I have the most interesting conversations; with whom I discuss my deepest thoughts and share my darkest fears. It helps that we go back a long way. These are women who have seen me through my worst and celebrated me at my best. But despite the closeness of our bond, we remain determinately “lunch friends”. Heading out for dinner together somehow seems like a bridge too far.

 

So, who are my “dinner friends”, you ask? And since they come on top of the list, would it be fair to describe them as my closest friends? 

 

Well, that’s a tricky one. Some of my “dinner friends” are, indeed, part of my core group. They are people my husband and I have been friends with for decades, and with whom we have a very high comfort factor. These are folks with whom I can be myself. I can slip my shoes off, put my feet up on the sofa, and gossip with them late into the night, secure in the knowledge that none of my indiscretions will come back to bite me in the derriere. 

 

But then, there are those who qualify as “dinner friends” only because of social and professional obligations that we have to fulfil. So, while we may drink and eat, laugh and joke, exchange confidences, discuss our lives, a certain je ne sais quoi is missing. There is a faux-intimacy to these interactions; they don’t have the authenticity of real friendship. 

 

Are these categories watertight? Do the people from one friendship group ever migrate to another? Sure they do. Some “coffee friends” become “lunch friends”. More rarely, “lunch friends” make the transition to “dinner friends”.

 

As for 3 am friends, I am still stuck with the same two I have had for the past two decades. And I know I am lucky to have them.