Making a splash

Posing in a swimsuit in your eighties is not all it’s cracked up to be

What does an 81 year old ‘lifestyle guru’, whose brand needs a little refurbishing, do to get a little publicity push? Well, if she is Martha Stewart, she goes on a strict diet and exercise regime before slipping into a swimsuit and posing for the cover of Sports Illustrated. Stewart featured in the swimwear issue of the magazine and was hailed as being the oldest woman to feature in the magazine. 

I know how we were supposed to react to these pictures. We were meant to marvel at the spectacle of an 81 year old who was fit enough and glamorous enough to score a cover pix — and in a swimsuit no less. How brave of dear Martha, we were meant to exclaim, to put herself out like that! How amazing that a woman in her eighties could look so good! What an utterly brilliant example she presented of not letting age define you!

But not one of these thoughts popped up in my mind as I scrolled through the many pictures of Stewart in a swimsuit. There she was, all trussed up tight, cleavage thrust forward, moisturised and bronzed to within an inch of her life, and — with a certain inevitability — discreetly airbrushed to look much better than she does in the flesh. And the only feeling I could summon up was one of deep disquiet. 

Is this really what women of a certain age should find inspirational? Is this what we have to look forward to as we march through the decades? Will our value forever lie in the way we look? Will our primary purpose always be to appeal to the male gaze and hope that it still finds us appealing? Are we doomed to be objects rather than subjects no matter how much we mature?

What an utterly revolting and completely depressing prospect to look forward to! And yet, that is being presented to us as something not just to admire but to aspire to. 

Let’s conduct a little thought experiment here. Close your eyes and picture a male celebrity of around Stewart’s vintage. Let’s think of Paul McCartney, for instance, who is a sprightly 80. Now imagine him stripped down to his undies and posing for a magazine cover. I bet you can’t. And that’s because that would never happen. There is no way that McCartney would put his body out there to be scrutinised in the way that Stewart has. And what’s more, nobody would dream of asking him to do anything like that. 

Sadly, this kind of objectification seems to be reserved for women. I would have thought that growing older would free us of these expectations. But Stewart has proved to us that no matter how old and grey and wrinkled we may become, it still behoves us to dye our hair, get some Botox and filler and squeeze ourselves into that swimsuit and give that camera all that we’ve got. 

Well, speaking for myself, I have taken a good look at that picture and said “Thanks but no thanks!” When I am in my eighties I hope to be gloriously grey and gnarly, and sitting comfortably poolside in a commodious caftan. And the only cleavage on display would be the one between my toes!