Complimentary angles

It's a tricky business giving compliments -- or receiving them for that matter 

Compliments. They seem uncomplicated on the surface. But dig a little deeper and you realize that they are nothing short of a potential minefield which may explode in your face at any moment. 

 

How many times have you bumped into an old friend and been greeted by, “Wow, you’ve really lost weight?” It’s meant to be a compliment and meant in the best possible way. But every time that happens to me, my first thought it, “How fat did you think I was before?” I never say that out aloud, of course, for fear of seeming churlish. But that unspoken thought rankles for far too long afterwards.

 

For my part, I have made a resolution to never reference anyone’s weight when I am framing a compliment. Far better to say, “You’re looking good today.” Or even, “That dress looks lovely on you!” But when I mentioned this to my husband, he looked rather dubious. That would never work for him, he muttered after a moment’s thought. If he said anything like that to a woman he would be afraid of being accused of being ‘lookist’ or ‘sexist’ or any other ‘ist’ that you can think of. 

 

I had to concede that he had a point. In the post MeToo world, men have to virtually tread on eggshells when it comes to complimenting women – even those whom they know well. And referencing a lady’s appearance is a strict no-no, unless you want to fall foul of the politically-correct posse that polices our every utterance these days. Far better to say nothing at all than risk getting battered.

 

There are some people who find it impossible to accept compliments no matter how innocuous or flattering. Some of my friends number among them. Compliment them on an outfit that is clearly just off the catwalk and they will brush it off with a laconic, “Oh this old thing! I have had it for ages!” Congratulate them on an award they have received and they will respond with, “Oh, it was nothing much, really.”

 

This may be partly down to embarrassment, but I often feel that too many of us are hardwired to brush away compliments – or even worse, be needlessly cynical about the motives of those who compliment us. I find myself falling into that trap quite often too – and have to make a conscious effort to not question why someone is complimenting me, but to just accept graciously.

 

The best way to respond to a compliment is simple, of course. All you need to do is smile and say “Thank you.” But strangely, that seems to be difficult for many of us to master. So, sometimes we feel obliged to respond with a return-compliment, which always comes off as laboured and fake. Sometimes we act as if we don’t really deserve the compliment, thus making the giver feel like a bit of a git.

 

So, next time someone says that you are looking nice, or that they loved your book, or even that your home is lovely, just relax into the compliment rather than resisting it. Enjoy the feeling of being appreciated instead of interrogating it. And if you feel the urge to respond with anything other than a heartfelt ‘thank you’, fight it.