Air turbulence

Why do people forget the rules of civilised behaviour while in the air?

I have written earlier about how people seem to forget the rules of civilised behaviour while at the airport. It’s almost as if the airport is a portal between two places where anything and everything goes: drinking alcohol for breakfast; wearing your pjs out in public; stealing snacks from the lounge etc. 

But I have realised over the years that truly anti-social behaviour really kicks in when people are in the air. That’s when all inhibitions seems to disappear and it’s a free for all in the skies. It’s almost as if for some folks their inflight experience is less than perfect if they can’t make a perfect nuisance of themselves. 

And how do they do that? Well, let me count the ways. 

• For me, the most annoying thing is when fellow passengers start watching a video, listening to music, or playing a video game on the flight without using their headphones. This happens with a sickening regularity on almost every single flight I take. No amount of staring or looking askance makes a difference. Asking the airline crew to intervene only grants a temporary respite. The moment a decent interval has passed, the noise resumes. Honestly, what is up with these people? Do they not have earphones? Or have they gone missing along with their civic sense?
• Then, there is the species who boards the plane and immediately reclines their seat as far as it will go. It’s no point asking them to raise it for take-off (as mandated by the safety manual). And good luck trying to open your tray table when the crew comes to serve your meal. There simply will be no space to do so. And don’t even start me on those people sitting behind you who can’t seem to get up from their seats without pulling your seat back down without so much as a by your leave. 
• All of us make allowances for children and babies on flights who cry incessantly because we realise that flying can be a traumatic experience for them. But what I find unforgivable is parents who allow their kids to run amok on flights without making the slightest effort to control them. The kids will be racing up and down the aisle, annoying both crew and passengers and the parents will be busy watching their videos on their phones (without headphones, of course), ignoring their children’s antics completely. What is up with that?
• But a special hell awaits those people who are travelling in a big group and think nothing of setting up an impromptu party in the cabin on night flights when everyone else is trying very hard to sleep. Just as service is over, the lights have been lowered, and everyone else is ready to catch a few winks, these nocturnal beasts come alive — and make life miserable for the rest of us. Truly, the stuff of nightmares — if we’d ever get to nod off, that is!

High fliers

Don’t envy them; they really aren’t having a good time at all

There was a time when I actually used to enjoy air travel, especially long-haul sectors. I would pack a good book, the kind that brooked no distractions, and read my way across the ocean. Or else I would catch up on my movie-watching, seeing as many as three films back to back. And I would eat and drink everything in sight, because somehow calories didn’t seem to count when you were 30,000 feet above sea level.

Those days are long gone. Now, travelling by air, even if it is the relatively short haul between Delhi and Mumbai, seems like a chore. I have to psych myself up to face the ordeal the night before as I pack my suitcase for what seems like the millionth time. And these days, I’ve taken to laying bets on how long before I lose my temper as I navigate my way to the plane through the airport (my best-ever timing is 4.5 minutes).

So, I can never understand people who go on about the glamour of air travel; honestly, haven’t they ever used an airline loo? Thus, it was with a sense of deep relief that I read an article in The Economist – ironically, on an airplane – which detailed the work of researchers at the University of Surrey (Britain) and Linnaeus University (Sweden) who recently published a study about the ‘darker side of hypermobility’.

Among the many dangers that frequent travellers face, according to this study, was jet lag (which can lead to speeding ageing and increase the risk of heart attacks and strokes), deep-vein thrombosis, and increased exposure to radiation. Frequent travel also results in social isolation, taking its toll on relationships with family and friends. And, of course, those who spend a lot of time on airplanes don’t spend a lot of time in the gym, or eat healthy for that matter.

But while there is no denying any of the above, it doesn’t really cover all the things that I truly detest about air travel. So here, in no particular order of importance, is all the stuff that I loathe about flying.

First off, there’s the getting there. Unlike the rest of the world, where you can walk into an airport unchallenged, in India we encounter our first hurdle at the airport gate, which is manned by a security guy. This man will inspect your ticket in a leisurely fashion, then turn to your photo-id, which he will peer at suspiciously and then stare at your face before turning back to the photo-id, puzzlement writ large on his face. Then, just as the line behind you is getting restive, he will shrug resignedly and wave you in, and move on to the next person in the queue to repeat the same charade.

Next step: check-in. Here the queues will be even longer, and you will have to keep a sharp eye out for those trying to sneak in ahead by placing their luggage trolleys near the check-in desk. When you finally get to the desk, you will discover that the window seat you asked for specifically is no longer available. And no, the aisles are full up. It’s the middle seat, take it or leave it.

By now, you’re probably hovering on the brink of a meltdown. But you keep a tight rein on your temper, knowing that it is going to be tested even further at the next stage of your progress: the security check.

Here, you faithfully remove your shoes, belt, bracelet, watch, necklace, computer, ipad, and place them in a tray. And then you wait behind the harried family of four who seem to have two items of luggage per person and no clear understanding of how this security thing works. So, of course, they haven’t removed any electronic items. One of them is trying to sneak a water bottle through, while the other has many mysterious containers of food, which have to be put through the X-ray machine twice.

Finally, it’s your turn. You push everything on and walk through to the nice lady waiting to run a wand all over you. She swishes it over your torso, where it begins to beep alarmingly. She looks up at you inquiringly. “Er, underwire,” you say sheepishly. She looks blankly at you. Then, putting the wand aside, she gives you a thorough frisking that could double as a full-body massage. Charming.

You go through finally to pick up your bag. But it has been placed on one side, with a security officer looming menacingly over it. “You have lighter inside,” she says angrily. No, you say, that’s impossible; I don’t smoke. “You have lighter,” she repeats, more menacingly. Please open and check, you respond. She rummages through it for ages and then triumphantly brandishes a…lipstick.

You may think the worse is over once you are in your seat, but you would be wrong. If you have the window seat, the charmless guy in the aisle seat will refuse to get up if you need to go to the loo. So, you will have to slide past him, taking care not to brush against his paunch. If you have the aisle, they will put a child with the weakest bladder next to you, so there is zero chance of catching a snooze. It could be worse of course (and it often is); the child could be in the seat behind you, kicking it rhythmically for hours on end.

Now imagine going through this routine every week/fortnight for the next ten years. Doesn’t seem like much fun, does it?