A touch of romance

Valentine's Day is not about roses and chocolates; true romance means being thoughtful every day

Valentine’s Day is behind us and it is safe to come out from hiding without being bombarded by offers to buy roses, send chocolates, make dinner reservations, book a mini-break, or propose marriage to your significant other. It is has now become de rigueur to complain about the ‘commercialization’ of Valentine’s Day – and I do, in fact, complain about that – but what annoys me most about the V Day ad blitz is that I don’t really recognize the version of ‘romance’ that is being sold to us. Not only is it needlessly performative, it also doesn’t resemble anyone’s lived reality.

 

So, what, you ask, do I consider to be romantic? What would make the cut if I were looking for romance in a relationship (and who isn’t?). Well, here are just some gestures that epitomize ‘romance’ to me; and the best thing is that you don’t need to wait for Valentine’s Day to come around again to make these gestures for your better half.

 

·       There is nothing more romantic in my book than making a cup of coffee (or tea, or hell, even a martini) for your partner without being requested to do so. It could be first thing in the morning so that they wake up to the aroma of freshly roasted beans. It could be to greet them when they come home after a long day at work. But no matter what the time or occasion, there is nothing quite so lovely as having your partner do something thoughtful for you (and this is crucial) without being asked.

·       Spontaneous gestures of affection don’t get the importance that they deserve in most long-term relationships. Just stroking the back of your husband’s neck as he works in the study; stopping to drop a kiss on your wife’s head as she reads the morning newspapers; hugging your spouse goodbye and hello; every one of these gestures makes the recipient feel loved and cherished. Do them often enough and they will not just strengthen your bond but also deepen it in crucial ways.

·       Surprise your partner as often as you can. You can, of course, make the grand gesture and book a weekend getaway or even a music concert without letting him/her get wind of the fact. But even smaller surprises do the trick as long as you put some thought into them. Buy him croissants from his favourite bakery for Sunday breakfast. Gift her a subscription to a flower delivery service that will send fresh flowers every week. 

·       Most of us fall out of the habit of telling our partners we love them every day. But even if we don’t verbalize our love, there are plenty of ways in which we can express it in daily life without saying those three little words. Covering your partner with a blanket as she falls asleep on the couch watching TV. Giving him a shoulder rub as he finishes a long stint in front of the computer. Making his/her favourite food over the weekend, even if it needs hours and hours of prep. Or just holding his/her hand as you sit in the doctor’s reception waiting for that tiresome yearly check-up. All of these gestures spell romance more than a bouquet of red roses ever could.

 

The pleasure principle

What if chocolate was diet food; and broccoli was fattening?

One of the more infuriating, immutable laws of nature – which Newton never paid much attention to – is that everything that feels good is bad for you while anything that feels bad is good. Think about it. All those things that bring you pleasure: butter, chocolate, cream, cookies, cake, chips, pizza, paranthas, mithai. Yes, all bad for you. All the stuff that you can barely hold down: broccoli, lettuce, cabbage, brussel sprouts, barley, oats, dalia. Yes, all good for you.

Clearly, God was in a humorous mood when he cooked up the dietary principles that would rule our lives, delighting in playing some sort of cosmic joke on us mortals. Or else how can you explain that both sugar and salt are bad for us (one is implicated in diabetes and the other in high blood pressure). Or that deep-fried food actually clogs your arteries instead of cleansing them. And that red meat is bad for your cholesterol levels while karela is good for your system.

Now, where’s the justice in that, Dear Lord?

What’s worse is that His perversity is not restricted to food alone. It extends to almost all areas of our life. Staying up late at night, reading in bed or watching a DVD, with a brandy by your bedside. Sounds great, doesn’t it? But no, it is, in fact, very bad for you. Getting up early, on the other hand, and heading out for a jog to wake up your system and get your heart pumping. Now that’s very good for you – even though it sounds like the stuff of nightmares (well, my nightmares, at any rate).

Snuggling deep into a couch: bad for you. Sitting up straight as a ramrod in a stiff-backed chair: good for you. Driving to work comfortably in a nice air-conditioned car: bad for you (and for the environment). Getting all sweaty and breathless as you cycle to work: good for you (and yes, the environment).

I could go on (and on) but I think you can just take it as given that if you enjoy something – whether it is scoffing a triple sundae or wearing impossibly high heels – then it will inevitably be bad for you. And if you detest something with all your life – the rowing machine at the gym or the Isabgol that you mother makes you drink every night – it will be good for you.

Of late, however, I have been wondering whether it is human perversity that is to blame here, rather than the Almighty’s. Is it really that everything that tastes or feels good is bad for us? Or is it simply that we are programmed to hanker after the forbidden, to love what we should not? And it is that dichotomy in our nature that makes everything that is bad for us seem so bloody good.

In other words, if broccoli was in fact, fattening, would we be hankering for it like we do for chocolate instead of scraping it off our plates when no one is looking? If butter was a diet food, would it taste half as good? Or would we be gagging even as it coated our taste buds?

This perversity that seems to characterise human nature – and behaviour – extends further. Anything that is cheap and readily available seems to lose value in our eyes; while anything that is prohibitively expensive and hard to find becomes infinitely desirable.

In 18th century England, for instance, when oysters were plentiful and cheap, they made up the staple diets of the poor. In those days, no prosperous person would think of serving them up for dinner guests. Now that they are expensive, they have been transformed into a luxury food item. But surely, they tasted much the same no matter what they cost? It’s just our perception of them that has changed, not the oysters themselves.

But the more things seem out of our reach, the more attractive they become to us. I’m sure if caviar wasn’t so prohibitively expensive, there’s a good chance that it wouldn’t have the cachet it does. Ditto champagne and first-growth wines. And white truffles. Or any other high-priced ingredient that you can think of.

I guess Shakespeare was right when he said that nothing was either good or bad; but thinking made it so.

But if that is really true, then could we really re-think our perceptions of what is good or bad for us? And could we possibly re-define the rules instead of allowing them to define our choices?

Well, a girl can dream, can’t she?

I know how things would be in my ideal world. The healthy breakfast option would be parathas rather than muesli. Full-fat milk would be better for you than that horrid skimmed version. Desserts would push your metabolic rate up. Exercise would be very bad for your health. Staying up late at night would increase your energy levels (while getting up early would sap them). Dieticians would insist that you had five servings of caffeine every day (rather than those dreary fruits and vegetables). And as you grew older, your waistline would get thinner while your hair got thicker (instead of the other way around).

If you ask me, that would be a world worth living in – and surviving to a ripe old age.

What women want

It really doesn’t take much to make them happy – you just have to know what does

This column is dedicated to all those men who keep complaining that they have no idea when women want. To those men who despair of ever making their wives/girlfriends happy. To whom the mind of a woman is a closed box with No Access written in large red letters on the side. And most of all, to those who get it wrong despite trying their very best to please.

Take it from me, it doesn’t take much to make a woman happy. And contrary to all that guff you read in women’s magazines, it’s not all about oversized bouquets and boxes of expensive chocolate (though sometimes these may be very welcome). A woman’s happiness is tied up in a set of intangibles that vary through every stage in her life. And to know what these are, you need to pay pretty close attention to her.

But if that seems like a huge ask, here are a few pointers to nudge you in the right direction.

• What is the best compliment you can pay your woman when you are out with her? Telling her that she looks like a million bucks? Assuring her that her bum looks terrific in those pair of jeans? Well, yeah okay, that may be one way to go. But you know what they say: talk is cheap. If you really want your woman to feel like a million bucks, stop shooting sidelong glances at the other women who pass by through your peripheral vision. Stop checking out the derrierre of the lady riding the escalator ahead of you. Don’t open doors with a flourish for the babe in a tight mini-skirt. In fact, don’t even clock her existence. Have eyes only for your woman; and see her blossom and shine as she glows with the confidence of someone who knows that she is loved and desired.

• When the woman in your life is telling you about the problems in her life – at the office, with her parents, with the maid – all she wants you to do is listen and act like you care. She doesn’t want to be told that she is “making a mountain out of a molehill”. She has no desire to be asked to “just calm down and relax”. And she certainly doesn’t want you to go into problem-solving mode and tell her what exactly she is doing wrong and how she can resolve the situation. All she wants is that you pay close attention – i.e. switch off the television, get off Twitter, shut the newspaper and put down the volume on the I-pod – acknowledge that she has a genuine problem on her hands, and sympathise with the difficult situation she finds herself in. That’s ALL you need to do. So long as she feels that she is being listened to – rather than just heard – she will feel validated.

• Okay, so you are not the greatest of shoppers, and choosing a birthday/anniversary present for your woman is probably your idea of hell. But no matter how stressful gift-shopping may be, on no account must you delegate this task to your secretary/personal assistant (mostly because the woman in your life will always find out – and then all hell will break loose). This is one job you have to do yourself. If you are not confident about your taste, take the birthday girl along to choose something. But on no account must you buy her anything that you could end up enjoying yourself (so no flat-screen TVs, no Jacuzzi for the bathroom, or even expensive lingerie). The gift must be personal, something so luxurious that she would feel guilty about buying it for herself, and frivolous enough to suggest that you still see her as a fun person rather than a staid mother of two. Most importantly, you must also arrange that she can return the gift if she doesn’t like it and choose something else in its stead. And if she does – don’t look sulky. Just smile and say that this is what you had meant to buy her in the first place – before the salesgirl steered you in the wrong direction.

• When it comes down to it, remember that it is the little things that matter. Greet her with a kiss rather than a demand for a large drink when you arrive home at the end of a long day. The great toilet seat battle has already been waged and lost, but don’t rub salt in her wounds by leaving wet towels/clothes on her pristine new bed linen. Send her a text message in the middle of the day to tell her that you are thinking of her. Take the kids off her hands for a couple of hours on Saturday so that she can enjoy a manicure without them wrecking havoc around her. Be nice to her parents. Rub her feet as she lies in bed, exhausted after looking after a fractious one-year-old. Surprise her occasionally – whether it is with breakfast in bed, a single red rose, a CD that reminds you of the time you went dancing in Goa, or a weekend away without the kids. But most of all, just show her that her happiness matters to you. At the end of the day, that’s all you need to do to keep her happy.

See, I did tell you, it really doesn’t take much.