Words of wisdom

Never mind what you would tell your younger self; what advice would you give to your teenage daughter?

It was about two years ago that I did a column about all the things I would tell my teenage self if I could travel back in time. I thought about it again this week because a Twitter thread started by @genderlogindia on the same subject threw up some interesting, and some rather surprising responses.

But as I read through all the stuff that women would have told their younger selves, I began to wonder whether we would not, in fact, be better off if we gave those bits of advice to those that need it most: our teenage daughters, or simply teenagers who could be our daughters. The things we wish we had known when we were young are exactly the things that young women out there could benefit learning from.

So, this Sunday, here is a random scattering of the wisdom (such as it is) that I have gained through my many decades on the planet, for the benefit of all the younger ladies out there.

 * First off, repeat after me: Nothing matters very much; and very little matters at all. Memorise the phrase. Internalise it. And say it back to yourself every time you feel overwhelmed by life. It doesn't matter what the current crisis is. It could be anything from your first love dumping you to not getting into the college of your choice to gaining a few kilos. Just repeat the mantra to yourself, and in time you will realise how true it is. In a few years, you will struggle to put a face on the first frog you kissed; none of your work colleagues will give a damn about which college you attended; and when you look at your younger photos, you will marvel at how amazing you looked (if only you'd had the sense to realise it at that time!).

 * It is better to be clever than to be cool. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against cool girls. They have the best clothes, the funkiest haircuts, the most rocking accessories, and the most amazing swagger ever as they float through life, surrounded by admirers of both sexes. So, if you are a cool girl, then good luck to you. But if you are a clever girl, you will make your own luck. You are the one who will get the coolest jobs, you are the one who will end up with the most interesting career, you are the one who will have the best ideas. Your cleverness will last even as their coolness fades (and sadly, it always does). So, please, be clever enough to see that.

 * Focus on female friendships. Yes, I know, those raging hormones are making boys look very attractive indeed at the moment. But don't ever turn your back on your girlfriends. Take time out to have all-girl lunches or dinners, if you can't quite manage all-girl holiday trips. Bond over Gossip Girls (or whatever your generation's equivalent of Friends and Sex And The City is) or Gone Girl, or The Girl On The Train, or even the Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest. And never ditch your female friends just because a boyfriend asks you out at the last moment. It is these female friendships that will survive and sustain you long after that boyfriend is history.

 * This is the time to embrace all the possibilities of life, to try your hand at different things, to experiment and explore. So, don't be in a hurry to settle down, both in your personal and professional life. If you can afford it (or, more accurately, if your parents can) take a year off and do exactly what pleases you. Go trekking in the Himalayas. Teach in a village school. Intern with a newspaper or advertising agency. Go backpacking through Europe. This is probably the only time in your life you can do this sort of thing. After that, it will be time to get a steady job with a decent paycheque that allows you to pay your own bills. And then, will come marriage and babies to curb your freedom (and whatever you may think now, they will do exactly that). So enjoy your time as a free agent; it will be over in the blink of an eye.

 * And finally, don't be too hard on yourself. Don't set yourself impossible standards and then punish yourself for failing to meet them. Push yourself to do better and be better, by all means. But also, be realistic about what your body and brain can accomplish. Not everyone is a natural size 10 (and nor should they be; what an incredibly boring world that would be to live in!) so focus on being healthy rather than on being skinny. (Supermodels like Gisele Bundchen or accredited beauties like Deepika Padukone are genetic freaks. Judging yourself against their standards is plain stupid.) And not everyone has it in them to win a Nobel Prize for literature or physics. The best way to get the most out of life is to make the most of what you have, instead of mourning all that you don't. So, stay positive, stay sane, and stay blessed. And treat each day as the first day of the rest of your life.

Best friends forever

You may ignore the importance of female friendships – but you certainly can’t deny it

Over the last few days I have been immersed in Elena Ferrante’s novel, My Brilliant Friend. The book is best summed up as an ode to female friendship, with all its ups and downs, highs and lows, tantrums and tears, laughter and fear. The story revolves around two young girls, Lenu and Lina, growing up in a rough neighbourhood in Naples, who establish a wary friendship as children. But in telling their tale through the prism of the traumas and triumphs of their relationship, Ferrante delves deep into some of the universal truths of the nature of friendship (and its limits).

Reading it late into the night, I began to think about how much we neglect the importance of same-sex friendships because of our very modern obsession with romantic love (or even sexual desire). But however much we ignore it, we cannot deny the importance of friendship in our lives: the relationship of a child with an elderly neighbour; of a teacher with a favourite pupil; of the man who lives alone with his dog; and of course, that which springs up between two women.

Of all of these, female friendships are the most special, I think (yes, yes, I know, that makes me a sexist so-and-so). And never is their intensity more marked than in childhood and adolescence – that is, before romantic love rears its unruly head.

I still remember my first day at school, kitted out in a strange new uniform, knees knocking together with nerves, my heart pounding with fear of the unknown horrors lying in wait for me in the schoolroom. My only comfort was the presence of my ‘best friend’ who was starting school the same time as me. We clung together as if our lives depended on it, sitting at adjoining desks, sharing our tiffins at break time, and as the final bell sounded, making a break for freedom. We had survived the first day of school. Things could only get better from now on.

And they did. We got to know our classmates. We lost our mortal fear of our teacher. We played hide-and-seek in the lunch hour. Slowly but surely we made other friends. And by the time we finished school we were part of two very different groups. But the memories of that first day in school ensured that the bonds of our friendship never really loosened no matter how much they frayed.

It’s often said that your closest friends are the ones you make in school. And certainly, adolescent girls can get rather intense about their feelings for one another, especially in all-girl schools. Younger girls develop ‘crushes’ on their seniors; not in a creepy, hyper-sexualized way, but in the sense of idolizing them, hanging on their every word, even imitating the way they look and dress. As for the seniors, their emotional lives are in turmoil as well, as ‘best friends’ are made and unmade, quarrels take on epic proportions and end in teary make-up sessions. It’s almost like a love affair, with all of the love but minus the affair.

And then, come the actual love affairs. That’s when the real dramas start. There’s the jealousy that your best friend now has a boyfriend. There’s the judgement when you really can’t work out what she sees in that jerk. Or even worse, you can see all too well why she likes him; it’s just that you can’t figure out why he likes her when he should really be liking you. I know, it’s exhausting stuff! But the good part is that your friendship survives this tricky phase, you will probably be friends for life.

Until, of course, you put children in the mix. That really is the breaking point of most female friendships. When one of the two gets married and starts breeding and the other is too busy conquering the work world, that’s when the tensions kick in. It is not that anyone is judging the other for her life choices. It is just that as time goes on, the two erstwhile best friends realize that they have less and less in common with one another.

The harried mother can no longer party as she used to. The driven career woman has no real appetite for baby sick and dirty diapers. Slowly but surely, both women gravitate towards those they can better relate to. One makes friends with other new mothers in her baby group; the others gets closer to work colleagues. They still remain friends with one another but become more and more absent from each other’s lives. 

But perhaps the most enduring of female friendships are those that are made in mid-life. They could be made at work, at the local club, with the wives of your husband’s friends, or even at the gym; the context doesn’t really matter. What matters is that by now you are sure of what kind of person you are, and what you are looking for in a friend. You no longer have the patience – or, indeed the time – for hypocrisy and manipulation. You are not interested in playing games or even indulging in a bit of one-upmanship. All you are looking for is a friend who will look out for you. And once you find her, you will never ever let go.

And as the two of you grow old together, comparing pregnancy scars, discussing hot flushes, moaning about your husband or children, bitching about the boss, giggling over mojitos at your weekly girlie lunches, or just watching a movie at the neighbourhood multiplex, remember to give a thanks to female friendships. They really are the best.