First impressions

How to charm your way into a woman's good graces on a first date

Whenever you ask young women what are the top five qualities they are looking for in a man, a good sense of humour always makes the cut. But it now turns out that some, if not many, of these ladies are (gasp!) lying when they say that they are turned on by funny men. A recent study (conducted among speed-dating groups) has concluded that women are not more (or less) attracted to men who make them laugh on the first date. 

 

Now I can’t vouch for the accuracy of this study, so I did the next best thing. I conducted an entirely unscientific study of my own among the young females of my acquaintance, asking them how best a man could impress them on a first date. And here – for the benefit of my young male readers – is what they said.

 

·       Appearances are not everything but at least try to look as if you made an effort. Nobody is asking for manicure-pedicure levels of personal grooming but taking a shower and washing your hair before you set out for a date is always a good idea. (And no, asphyxiating your date with copious quantities of some strong musky fragrance will not get you brownie points.) It helps if your shoes are polished, your shirt is ironed and your jeans are not. 

·        Pay attention to your date. That doesn’t just mean listening to her stories and nodding along at the right moments, or even asking the right questions. Be receptive to non-verbal cues as well. If she shows discomfort when the conversation veers towards a particular topic, for instance, be sensitive enough to steer it in a different situation.

·       Too much information is as off-putting as too little. Nobody needs to know about your exciting sex life as a teenager the first time they meet you (or perhaps ever?). Nor do they have much interest in your power struggles at work with your boss or in interminable stories about your sibling rivalry with your sister.

·       There is a fine balance between trying to get to know your date better and asking invasive questions about her personal life. There will be plenty of time and opportunities later – if all goes well – to ask her when she lost her virginity, or why she broke up with her last boyfriend, or…well, you get the drift. At your first meeting, just ask her about her work, her interests, how she spends her free time. 

·       Don’t diss your ex-wife, ex-partner, or ex-girlfriend. You might think this will endear you to her potential successor, but trust me, it will not. All she will be thinking is that this is how you would be speaking about her if you were to get together and then split up later. Bitter, resentful and hateful is never a good look. 

·       And yes – with due apologies to the study I quoted earlier – do bring your sense of humour along. That doesn’t mean that you need to memorize some good jokes that you can drop into the conversation at regular intervals (that can get really annoying really fast!). All you need to do is laugh at the absurdities of life with your date – and perhaps you will be laughing all the way to the second date if not right up the aisle!

 

Palling around

Making friends as you grow older may be hard; but it’s even harder to keep the ones you do have

I’ve always been skeptical of those who say that it is impossible to make new friends when you hit middle age. You know how the theory goes, right? The best, the most intense, the most valuable relationships are those that are forged when we are children or in our early adulthood. It is these childhood friends or college buddies who become our support structure as we grow older along with each other. This tight-knit group has no secrets from one another; they have seen each member at his or her absolute best and horrific worst; they share memories and secrets; they have witnessed the seminal moments of each others life; and the bonds thus created are unbreakable. You could never replicate that kind of friendship with someone you meet when you are fully formed.

Well, that’s the argument, anyway. And I must confess that it’s not one I necessarily agree with. As someone who moved town because of my career and lost touch with most of her childhood friends (who are now scattered all over the globe) I could not have negotiated life without the friends I made in my thirties and forties. 

These friendships are arguably even better than the ones I had forged in my youth and teenage years. For one thing, they are not based simply on proximity, on the coincidence of attending the same class or living in the same neighhourhood. These are people that I actively sought out and befriended because I felt I had some sort of special rapport with them. And more importantly, these relationships were formed when I had a better idea of who I was and what I wanted in a friend – and at a time when I had zero compunction about walking away from people who simply weren’t doing it for me. So, these are the friends not just of my heart but my mind as well. 

But as I grow older, it is not the thought of making new friends that preoccupies me; it is the dread of losing any of the friendships that I have spent so many years cherishing and preserving. And yet, as life gets more and more frenetic, as our familial obligations increase, it is an inescapable fact that we have less and less time for friends. 

We all know that relationships are more like houseplants than trees. While trees do well even if they are neglected and left to their own devices, houseplants have a most disobliging way of dying on us if they are not nourished and looked after. So, how does one keep a friendship going, so that it lasts us a lifetime?

Well, here are just a few tips, based entirely on my own experience:

• Stay in touch: And by that I don’t mean that you should share the occasional joke on Whatsapp or like each other’s pictures on Facebook or Instagram. By ‘stay in touch’ I mean that you should be present in one another’s life. If your friend gets promoted, buy her lunch to celebrate. If she loses a parent, don’t think your duty is done if you attend the funeral; call her every day for a little chat just to check that she’s okay. If she is depressed, don’t just send her motivational quotes; show up at her house with a box of chocolates and spend time raising her spirits. 

• Don’t let feelings fester: If you are feeling neglected by a friend, if she hasn’t been in touch for a while, don’t respond by deploying the silent treatment. If you value that friendship, take the initiative to change things for the better. Pick up the phone and speak to her. Be honest and admit that you miss her presence in your life. Ask her for the reasons behind her absence. If she is upset about something you have done, address the issue head-on. Similarly, if you are upset with a friend about something, don’t just sulk in silence and assume that she will pick up on your unhappiness. Express your displeasure clearly and firmly; only then can you move beyond it. If yours is a true friendship, it will survive this honesty stress; if it doesn’t, well then it wasn’t much of a friendship at all.

• Do fun things together: If you only turn to your friends when you are in a funk and need cheering up, or you are in a spot of trouble and could do with some help, it won’t be long before they start dreading your call or email. So, it’s important to ensure that you guys have some fun times together as well to remember why you became friends in the same place. Meet for a few drinks in the evening, maybe go for a walk on a weekend morning, or just share a meal together to catch up on the minutiae of each other’s life. 

• Make an effort: You do that in your romantic relationships, don’t you? (At least, I hope you do!). You put a lot of thought into buying a birthday present. You send flowers on significant anniversaries. You plan surprise parties on special occasions. Well, a friendship doesn’t deserve any less effort just because it a platonic rather than a romantic relationship. So, do your best by your friends, and more often than not, they will do even better by you.