Give peace a chance

 That way, you can finally be happy with the world and yourself

They say that true happiness lies within each of us. And it is up to us to access it with our own efforts. So, we shouldn’t depend on other people to make us happy; instead, we should dig deep to access our own happiness. Well, over the years, I have discovered that the same is true of peace. You cannot depend on the people around you to preserve your peace; you have to safeguard it yourself.

And, as I grow older, I find that I treasure peace over happiness. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that peace and happiness have converged into one emotion in my life. I am only truly happy when I am at peace with the world and myself. And I am only truly peaceful when I am happy with the world and myself.

So, my priority these days is to safeguard my peace so that I can be happy (and vice versa). And these are just some of the ways in which I endeavour to do so:

• There is a cartoon I saw a few years ago that left quite an impression on me. A woman wakes up at 3 am to see her husband typing furiously on the computer. What’s wrong, she asks. Nothing’s wrong, he says, it’s just that somebody is being wrong on the Internet…Well, I laughed at that, but it also made me pause and promise myself that I would never be that man ever again. People can be wrong on the Internet for as long as they want. I won’t be logging in to correct them ever. Being peaceful, I have decided, is more important than being correct.

• What’s true of the Internet is true of real life as well. I no longer get into arguments with friends and family about anything from politics to religion to which is the best way to cook a biryani. The way I look at it, anyone else’s opinion on anything is none of my business. They are welcome to look at the world on their own terms; and I will content myself with looking at the world from my own unique perspective. And who is to say that either of us is wrong or right? It's all a matter of perspective, right?

• While conflict avoidance is all well and good, it is also important to excise negative people and negative energies from your life. If you find that a friend is constantly draining your energy with his negativity, then the hard truth is that you would be better off without that person in your life. If a family member is bringing you down with constant criticism and carping, then you would benefit from going no-contact for a while. People pleasing should not come at the cost of your own mental health.

• Last of all, don’t ever forget the power of a simple ‘no’ when it comes to preserving your peace. The day you refuse to let social pressure force you into saying yes when you mean no, is the day that you finally attain peace. And, as I have discovered, with true peace comes true happiness. 

The power of 'no'

Don't be a people-please like me; recognise that 'no' is a complete sentence

 

Growing up as an inveterate people-pleaser, I came rather late to the power of saying ‘no’. As a child, a teenager, and then a young adult, I spent many hours of my life doing things that I actively disliked because I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I could actually refuse to do them. Now that I look back, I realize that I must have wasted an entire year (if not more) of my life saying yes to stuff that I really should have said a firm ‘no’ to. 

 

Well, those days are long gone. Now that I am in my middle years, I have zero compunction about saying ‘no’ to people, no matter how awkward the interaction may become as a consequence. I think the transition occurred in the Covid years, when enforced solitude made most of us examine our life choices. And as I looked back on my own life, I realized that most of my unhappiness stemmed from occasions when I had said ‘yes’ despite my misgivings. And with that realization in mind, I gave myself permission to say ‘no’ to anything that left me cold.

 

The resolution made, I implemented it on my first trip abroad soon after the Covid restrictions were lifted. We were wandering through Spain, when an Indian couple turned to me, held their phone out peremptorily, and asked me to take their picture. The very thought of holding someone else’s phone (which might as well be a petri dish of germs) brought me out in hives. In a previous incarnation I may have tamped down on my germophobia, taken the photo, and spent the rest of the day obsessively sanitizing my hands. But this time, I took a deep breath and replied with a simple, “No, thank you.” The couple looked as if they had been slapped in the face, but I wasn’t going to add any explanation to my refusal. 

 

‘No,’ as the saying goes, ‘is a complete sentence’.

 

Since then, I have deployed the power of ‘no’ in myriad situations, and I am much happier for setting up boundaries for myself (and for other people). At parties and dinners, I refuse to get brow-beaten by hosts who insist that I have ‘just one more drink’ or another helping of dessert. Initially, I would try and shame them into backing off by explaining that I was a diabetic. But now I offer no sugar-coating (oh! The irony!) to my ‘no’. I have had my fill of your excellent wine, I don’t want any seconds, and no, dessert doesn’t occupy a separate compartment in my stomach. No means no.

 

The same goes for invitations. If they don’t spark joy (with apologies to Marie Kondo) in my heart, then I would rather stay home than waste my time pretending to have fun. Which is why when a friend invited me to a bhajan evening at her home with her spiritual guru, I decided to adopt my new-found mantra and reply, “Thanks very much, but no, I’m really not a bhajan-type person.”

 

Her reply came back immediately. A laughing emoji followed by, “I love your honesty!” Which made me think that all of us would be better off if we applied the power of ‘no’ judiciously in our own lives.