The power of 'no'

Don't be a people-please like me; recognise that 'no' is a complete sentence

 

Growing up as an inveterate people-pleaser, I came rather late to the power of saying ‘no’. As a child, a teenager, and then a young adult, I spent many hours of my life doing things that I actively disliked because I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I could actually refuse to do them. Now that I look back, I realize that I must have wasted an entire year (if not more) of my life saying yes to stuff that I really should have said a firm ‘no’ to. 

 

Well, those days are long gone. Now that I am in my middle years, I have zero compunction about saying ‘no’ to people, no matter how awkward the interaction may become as a consequence. I think the transition occurred in the Covid years, when enforced solitude made most of us examine our life choices. And as I looked back on my own life, I realized that most of my unhappiness stemmed from occasions when I had said ‘yes’ despite my misgivings. And with that realization in mind, I gave myself permission to say ‘no’ to anything that left me cold.

 

The resolution made, I implemented it on my first trip abroad soon after the Covid restrictions were lifted. We were wandering through Spain, when an Indian couple turned to me, held their phone out peremptorily, and asked me to take their picture. The very thought of holding someone else’s phone (which might as well be a petri dish of germs) brought me out in hives. In a previous incarnation I may have tamped down on my germophobia, taken the photo, and spent the rest of the day obsessively sanitizing my hands. But this time, I took a deep breath and replied with a simple, “No, thank you.” The couple looked as if they had been slapped in the face, but I wasn’t going to add any explanation to my refusal. 

 

‘No,’ as the saying goes, ‘is a complete sentence’.

 

Since then, I have deployed the power of ‘no’ in myriad situations, and I am much happier for setting up boundaries for myself (and for other people). At parties and dinners, I refuse to get brow-beaten by hosts who insist that I have ‘just one more drink’ or another helping of dessert. Initially, I would try and shame them into backing off by explaining that I was a diabetic. But now I offer no sugar-coating (oh! The irony!) to my ‘no’. I have had my fill of your excellent wine, I don’t want any seconds, and no, dessert doesn’t occupy a separate compartment in my stomach. No means no.

 

The same goes for invitations. If they don’t spark joy (with apologies to Marie Kondo) in my heart, then I would rather stay home than waste my time pretending to have fun. Which is why when a friend invited me to a bhajan evening at her home with her spiritual guru, I decided to adopt my new-found mantra and reply, “Thanks very much, but no, I’m really not a bhajan-type person.”

 

Her reply came back immediately. A laughing emoji followed by, “I love your honesty!” Which made me think that all of us would be better off if we applied the power of ‘no’ judiciously in our own lives.

Just say no

For a man to hear a ‘no’, a woman has to actually say it

No means no. That cannot be said often enough. No means no. 

But if you mean ‘no’ then it follows that you also have to say ‘no’. If you want someone to hear your ‘no’, then you need to say it out aloud. Non-verbal cues do not cut it. Nor do verbal cues. Nor does less than ‘enthusiastic’ participation. 

That’s because all of the above relies on someone else to receive a message that you have not actually articulated. It requires your sexual partners to intuitively pick up on a discomfort that you have not voiced. It enjoins them to be mind readers (trigger alert, all you ‘woke’ millennials!) even when they may not know you well enough to be able to read your mind.

And that is putting a lot of responsibility for your safety and well-being on the shoulders of someone else. 

Yes, I know, this is where a lot of you will pause reading to shoot off tweets asking me to stop ‘victim blaming’. To tell me that I am putting the onus on women not to get raped or sexually assaulted or abused instead of putting the men who rape, assault or abuse them on notice.

But no, I am not blaming the victim. Mostly because I don’t see women as disenfranchised victims with no agency of their own. I don’t see them as passive participants who have no control over what happens to them. And any movement, feminist or otherwise, that seeks to turn women into hapless creatures who cannot stand up for themselves, who cannot speak for themselves, does not have my support. 

As you can probably tell by now, this column was triggered (there’s that word again!) by the Aziz Ansari case. (No, I’m not going into that whole controversy; I’m sure you’re fully up to speed by now.) So, what I am writing about today applies only to urban, educated, emancipated, sexually-active women with jobs and lives of their own – like the woman, dubbed ‘Grace’ to grant her anonymity, who sought Ansari out and went on a date from hell with him.

I am on the side of the generational divide that does not believe Ansari’s awful sex moves amounted to sexual assault or even sexual abuse. And I have difficulty understanding my millennial friends who insist that ‘Grace’ was coerced by Ansari. Her own account of the evening, in my reading, suggests otherwise.

But what is clear to me is that in this age of Tinder, when casual hook-ups with people you barely know are the rule rather than the exception, women need to be empowered to navigate this sexual minefield instead of being infantilized and told that they bear no responsibility for their own actions.

It goes without saying that consent is essential in every such encounter and that it is the responsibility of men to ensure that they secure it before initiating any kind of sexual contact. (And yes, ‘enthusiastic’ consent is the very best.) But I balk at the thought of casting women as helpless creatures who cannot even say ‘no’ when they mean it.

Sex, like much else in human life, is about communicating your desires, your needs, and yes, your reservations. But if we want men to listen then we must also empower women to speak up so that they can be heard. Women need to be active participants with a voice in the proceedings, not passive objects to whom things happen without their having any control over it.

I have lost count of the number of women who have told me over the past week that women don’t say no because they are afraid of the consequences. As in, they may meet with violence or even death if they say no. And yes, that is true in some cases. 

But here’s where those ‘verbal’ and ‘non-verbal cues’ come in handy. It’s not just incumbent on men to pick up on these cues. It’s imperative that women read them as well. If you feel you’re not being listened to during your date, being rushed into things at a pace you are not comfortable with, then maybe you should say ‘no’ sooner rather than later. Split the bill, call a cab and get the hell out of there.

Most adult women have a well-honed instinct for sniffing out the bad boys from the good. Trust those instincts. They will stand you in good stead. And if that voice in your head is telling you this is not going to end well, then end it right then. 

Of course there will be times when men you thought were honourable and ‘safe’ will surprise you. When a ‘friend’ you have known for years will suddenly turn into a monster. We’ve all been there. It’s truly awful and hard to negotiate, especially when your ‘no’ is heard but not acknowledged. But to conflate sexual assault or even sexual abuse with bad or awkward sex does a disservice to both men and women.

Yes, there are many men out there in the dating pool who won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Who will push, push, push, until you’re well into sexual assault territory. And it is often difficult to see them coming until you’re right there in bed with them.

But there are plenty of good guys too, who are primed to look for your consent. Sadly, very few of them are actual mind readers. Which is why it’s imperative to remember that for a man to hear a ‘no’, a woman has to actually say it.