The Bank of Mum and Dad

What do we owe our children - and for how long?

 A couple of weeks ago I read an article in a British newspaper, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. It was written – anonymously (I wonder why?) – by a young person who was very concerned about the fact that their inheritance was being squandered by their parents who were ‘blowing up’ their savings on expensive holidays, new cars, luxury purchases, etc. At the rate at which these ‘boomers’ were going through their money, their resentful child complained, there would be nothing left to inherit by the time they passed. 

 

I read to the end feeling horrified at the entitlement dripping through every line. It was mind-boggling to see that an adult (the writer admitted to being in their 30s) still felt that their parents owed them a living – and believed that these retired folk should forgo all the luxuries they had worked so hard for all their lives just so that they could leave a nice little nest egg for their progeny.

 

But once my shock had subsided, I realized that this is exactly what people of my parents’ generation had done in India, without even thinking about it. They may have spent all their lives in salaried slavery, but they put aside every penny for their children’s higher education, weddings, or even a deposit for a car or an apartment. The social contract they grew up with entailed that everything they did was geared towards the comfort and advancement of their kids. Their own needs came last – if at all.

 

I suspect, however, that things have changed with my generation. This is the generation where, for the most part, both husband and wife worked outside the home, and had a substantial disposable income that they used to access the luxuries of life. These are the people who have had successful careers of their own; who both work and play hard; and who think that they deserve the fruits of their labour. They love their children and do their best by them – but the kids are by no means the be-all and end-all of their existence.

 

So, this generation of grandmoms are not going to be available around the clock – and indeed around the year – to babysit their grandkids whenever the parents need a break. They may spoil and indulge their grandchildren; they may enjoy spending time with them; but it will always be on their own terms. If their kids need childminding during the summer break, they are going to have to look elsewhere – Grandma and Grandpa will be too busy sunning themselves in the Maldives or hiking in Europe.

Similarly, the grandpas of today are more likely to be spending their disposable income in buying the car of their dreams (which they could never afford in their youth), paying astronomical sums of money to join clubs where they can play golf (or just hang out), and treating themselves to the latest electronic gadgets in the market.

 

So, the Bank of Mum and Dad may be closed for business for the kids coming of age now – who are going to have to learn to stand on their own two feet. And on balance, that’s probably not such a bad thing. Nothing concentrates the mind more than the knowledge that you have to make it on your own.

 

The kids are all right

In fact, the only thing wrong with them is their parents

Question: Do you know what's wrong with kids today? Answer: Their parents. I can't quite remember where I read this, but I remembered it afresh last week. 

I was checking out the sales at the local mall when an urgent mail landed in my inbox. I stepped outside on the balcony and had just begun typing out a reply when a little cannonball came hurtling out of the store, headed straight for me, wrapped his chocolate-smeared hands around my legs, nearly toppling me over in the process. 

I tried to disengage myself gently but he held on with all the strength in his five-year-old arms, crying lustily all the while. I tried to comfort him even as I looked around anxiously for his parents/caregivers. But no one in the store seemed the slightest bit interested in him. 

And then, just as I was about to approach the shop manager, a young woman who had been intently examining the 70 per cent off rack, looked around, saw the child, marched up, dragged him away by the arm, and then, calmly resumed shopping. I assume she was his mother, given that he went without demur, even though she didn't quite fit the description of a parent as I understand it. 

I must admit that I was very tempted to have a few sharp words with her. First, for being completely oblivious of her child in a public place. Two, for just rushing off without even a word of apology. And three, for neglecting to upbraid her child for his behaviour, which wasn't just a nuisance for everyone else but an active danger to himself.

But I counted slowly to ten in my head, took a few deep breaths and then walked away. Because, seriously, what would be the point? And, more importantly, where would it end? I see dozens of examples of this kind of indifferent parenting every single day, extending all the way from benign neglect to senseless spoiling to criminal negligence. 

Just over the last week, I have seen children riding the baggage carousel at the airport while their parents tap away distractedly on their mobile phones; kids running around crowded restaurants without the slightest attempt by their parents to control them; and of course, kids having complete meltdowns in stores because they didn't get what they wanted (in the end, of course, they always do).

I accept that children can be a handful, especially if you have two under five, and I have every sympathy with harried parents who are having a hard time of it. What I cannot understand is why parents feel it is ever acceptable to abdicate all responsibility for their kids in public. It is not the waiter's job to keep your children safe from knives and forks in restaurants any more than it is the air hostess's job to tackle your kid as she runs up and down the aisle.

Honestly, what is up with parenting these days? Why are mums and dads so afraid to lay down the law for their children? Why are they loath to draw boundaries between what is acceptable behaviour and what is not? Why do they live in thrall to the demands of their children? And why are they so terrified of their temper tantrums? 

It is almost as if power has shifted in the family structure from the parents to the children. It is the kids who are in charge not the adults. Not quite the lunatics taking over the asylum, but close.

One reason for this is, of course, that parents have less time to devote to their children. Both mother and father usually work, seeing their kids only in the evenings and on the weekends. In the circumstances, it is perhaps understandable that they want to spend that time doing fun things, and are more willing to overlook bad behaviour or even bad manners.

But more than that, it is also that these days, parents have become devotees of the Cult of the Deified Child. In this cult, the child is the object of worship, the whole world revolves around him, his every wish is treated as a command, and he can simply do no wrong. (I use the pronoun 'his' advisedly because it is usually the male child who is worshipped that way; though pampered daughters are fast catching up.)

This leads directly to the propensity of modern parents to treat their children as minor miracles. They flood their Instagram accounts with cute pictures of their kids; they tweet all day about the absolutely adorable things they say; they Facebook their birthday parties and school concerts; and so on and on and on.

Small wonder then, that these children grow up believing that they are the centre of the universe, that rules of good behaviour or social niceties don't apply to them, that they can do just as they please because even if they screw up there will never be any consequences. Because that is exactly what their parents have taught them.

So yes, the only thing wrong with kids today is their parents. It really is time that they grew up.

The path to serenity

There will always be stuff in life that you can’t change; so just make your peace with it


“Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” This verse, attributed to St Francis of Assisi and later adapted by the American theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr, is now widely used by Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programmes, with the word ‘strength’ replaced by ‘serenity’ and called the Serenity Prayer. But you don’t need to be an alcoholic – or even a Catholic – to benefit from the sentiments expressed in this prayer. 

All of us would be better off if we could see the difference between the things that we can change and those we can’t. And we would be much happier if we could make our peace with all the stuff that comes in the ‘can’t’ category. Because let’s face it, there are some things in life that none of us have any control on. And the sooner we come to terms with that fact, the more content we shall be.

So, what are the things you need to make your peace with? Allow me to list, in no particular order of importance, just some of them.

• Some friendships will run their course. This is not anybody’s fault. It is just the way things are. Sometimes people grow apart for one reason or the other. And when that happens, there is no point breaking your head over what went wrong. Or even trying to recapture that lost intimacy. The only option is to accept the inevitable and move on without any bitterness or regret. Tell yourself that it was good while it lasted – and yes, that nothing lasts forever.
• Your teenage kids will hate you. They will act as if your very presence is an embarrassment. They will fob off public displays of affection. They will treat your every pronouncement with derision. They will spend ages in the bathroom, sulking and yes, hating you. Until suddenly, one day, they won’t. They will want to hang out with you again, they will ask your advice, and cuddles will once again be welcome. Just stay the course. Normal service will be resumed soon.
• You will turn into your parents. It is only a matter of time. It’s not just that one day you will look into the mirror and find your mother/father staring back at you (though that will happen as well). But also that you will find yourself telling your kids the very things that your parents used to say to you (and which you swore you would never tell your kids). Come home before it gets dark. Get up early and study. Wrap yourself warm before you go out. Eat something, for God’s sake!
• There will be more ‘doorway moments’ as you get older. If you are in your 40s, you probably know what I mean. Yes, the times you go through the doorway of your bedroom or living room, looking for something. But the moment you cross the threshold you forget what you were looking for. Recent research done by Professor Gabriel Radvansky of the University of Notre Dame has it that the act of passing through a doorway causes memory lapses. But we know different, don’t we? It’s the act of passing through several decades of our lives that really does the trick. You’ve just got to live with it.
• The music of the day will begin to seem like senseless noise to you. And you will turn into the kind of music bore you always made fun of: the sort who listens to the same bands and singers over and over again because he or she grew up with them. As they don’t say, familiarity breeds contentment.
• You will always have regrets. No matter what choices you make in life and no matter how right they seemed at the time, there will come a day when you start to wonder about the road not taken and whether you took a wrong turn along the way. Don’t freak out. This is a part of growing up and even – dare I say it? – growing old. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a lying sod.