Let me entertain you...

 Some golden rules for when you're having people over

Sometimes the best way to hang out with friends is at home. You have a reasonable expectation of privacy with no nosey wait staff eavesdropping on conversations. No spending hours poring over the menu and then getting served your main courses 10 minutes apart. Also, most importantly, it costs a fraction of the price of eating out. But there are some rules of entertaining at home that you should adhere to if you want your guests to have a great time.

First off, welcome drinks. Please don’t put people on the spot by asking them “What would you like to drink?” the moment they walk through the door. They haven’t had a chance to check out the bar or the drinks cupboard and have no idea what you have to offer. Instead, offer them options. It’s makes more sense to say, “Would you like a glass of red or white or champagne? Or is whiskey or vodka or gin more to your taste?” That way, they know what their options are and can choose accordingly. 

It’s always a good idea to have some canapés on hand because everyone likes to nibble on something while they drink. But keep it light so that your guests don’t fill up too much before dinner. Nuts and chips are a good idea, a cheese platter makes sense, or maybe even a plate of crudities with dips. Any more than that and you risk ruining everyone’s appetites even before dinner is laid on the table. 

Ah dinner! Please, for god’s sake, don’t serve it at midnight. The latest it is acceptable to lay it out is 10 pm when people are still hungry enough to enjoy it. And when you plan your meal make sure that you have made adequate accommodations for the vegetarian guests. Don’t just serve lots of meat, chicken and fish with the token yellow and black dal for vegetarians. Make them at least a couple of main courses that they can enjoy. Remember non-vegetarians can always enjoy vegetarian dishes. But it doesn’t work the other way around. 

When you are introducing people who haven’t met, it’s not enough to tell them each others names and leave them to it. Add a little bit of information and context so that they can make a proper conversation. And by that I don’t mean just saying who he or is married to. Instead say what they do, what their interests are, where they went on holiday recently maybe. That helps facilitate conversations that may otherwise be a bit stilted. 

Don’t let anyone monopolise the guest of honour, if you have one. There are always some pushy people at every party who will make a beeline for the most important person in the room and then refuse to leave him or her alone. And there will also be some shy retiring people who are too modest to push themselves forward. It is your duty as a host to make sure that the pushy ones get moved on after a while and the shy ones get a chance to meet and spend some time with the guest of honour. 

Remember, a party is only fun if everyone is having a good time. And, as the host, it is up to you to ensure that. 

A touch of romance

Valentine's Day is not about roses and chocolates; true romance means being thoughtful every day

Valentine’s Day is behind us and it is safe to come out from hiding without being bombarded by offers to buy roses, send chocolates, make dinner reservations, book a mini-break, or propose marriage to your significant other. It is has now become de rigueur to complain about the ‘commercialization’ of Valentine’s Day – and I do, in fact, complain about that – but what annoys me most about the V Day ad blitz is that I don’t really recognize the version of ‘romance’ that is being sold to us. Not only is it needlessly performative, it also doesn’t resemble anyone’s lived reality.

 

So, what, you ask, do I consider to be romantic? What would make the cut if I were looking for romance in a relationship (and who isn’t?). Well, here are just some gestures that epitomize ‘romance’ to me; and the best thing is that you don’t need to wait for Valentine’s Day to come around again to make these gestures for your better half.

 

·       There is nothing more romantic in my book than making a cup of coffee (or tea, or hell, even a martini) for your partner without being requested to do so. It could be first thing in the morning so that they wake up to the aroma of freshly roasted beans. It could be to greet them when they come home after a long day at work. But no matter what the time or occasion, there is nothing quite so lovely as having your partner do something thoughtful for you (and this is crucial) without being asked.

·       Spontaneous gestures of affection don’t get the importance that they deserve in most long-term relationships. Just stroking the back of your husband’s neck as he works in the study; stopping to drop a kiss on your wife’s head as she reads the morning newspapers; hugging your spouse goodbye and hello; every one of these gestures makes the recipient feel loved and cherished. Do them often enough and they will not just strengthen your bond but also deepen it in crucial ways.

·       Surprise your partner as often as you can. You can, of course, make the grand gesture and book a weekend getaway or even a music concert without letting him/her get wind of the fact. But even smaller surprises do the trick as long as you put some thought into them. Buy him croissants from his favourite bakery for Sunday breakfast. Gift her a subscription to a flower delivery service that will send fresh flowers every week. 

·       Most of us fall out of the habit of telling our partners we love them every day. But even if we don’t verbalize our love, there are plenty of ways in which we can express it in daily life without saying those three little words. Covering your partner with a blanket as she falls asleep on the couch watching TV. Giving him a shoulder rub as he finishes a long stint in front of the computer. Making his/her favourite food over the weekend, even if it needs hours and hours of prep. Or just holding his/her hand as you sit in the doctor’s reception waiting for that tiresome yearly check-up. All of these gestures spell romance more than a bouquet of red roses ever could.

 

Put that phone down!

 And mind your manners when you are in company

Having dinner with some acquaintances the other night, I came up against the bad manners that seem to characterise all human interaction these days. Two of the men on the table simply could not be parted from their phones no matter how interesting the conversation on the table. Their phones kept pinging and they kept picking them up to answer messages, check their WhatsApp, scroll through Twitter and reply to emails. The message was clear. They were far too important and doing far too many important things to waste their time with unimportant beings like us. By the end of the evening, I was wondering why they had bothered to come to dinner at all given that they had no interest in the company and none in the food. They may as well have spent the evening at home with their phones and a sandwich. 

But the experience did get me thinking. Why is there such a dire lack of etiquette in our dealings with one another? Why are good manners disappearing from society? And why do these manners fails irk me so much? Here, in no particular order of importance, are just some of them. 

• Keeping your phone on ring and face up on the phone when you are in a meeting (or having a meal) with someone. Even if you don’t pick it up or answer it, the mere presence of your phone on the table is a reminder that your attention is not fully on the real-life interaction you are having. Part of your mind is always on your phone and the activity going on within it. And that’s just disrespectful of those you are face to face with. Either keep your phone in your pocket or put it on silent and place it face down on the table and pay attention to the person speaking to you in real life. 

• If you are invited to dinner at somebody’s house, then don’t just turn up with a plus one (or worse, a party of people) without informing the host. They have probably taken a lot of trouble over the table seating and the food. And changing the numbers at the last moment can really throw their plans out of gear. Not to mention that they may not have enough food or dessert to go around. 

• If someone sends you a gift then have the decency to thank them for it. In this age of casual discourtesy nobody expects a handwritten note of thanks accompanied by flowers. But the very least you can do is send an sms or a voice note saying thank you. And ideally a day or so after receiving the gift — not a month later, and then, only because you’ve been prodded by the sender asking if you actually received the gift.

• If someone hands their phone over to show a picture don’t immediately start scrolling back and forth through the photo gallery. Just because they are showing you one picture it doesn’t mean that they are happy to have you to go through all their photos. If you don’t have the decency to hand the phone back immediately then at least ask for permission before you start scrolling. 

Broke up?

It's not over till it's over on Instagram

In the olden times when a couple —married or otherwise — broke up it was hard to tell. So you had these embarrassing moments when you ran into an old friend at a party and cheerily asked about his or her partner. Cue, awkward silence. Actually, the sheepish response would come, we are no longer together. Cue, more awkward silence. Then you made a few embarrassed remarks and quickly moved on to spread the word so that nobody else in the party had to undergo the same excruciating experience. 

Well, those days are long gone. Now we live in a hyper connected world in which everyone is on social media curating a feed of their lives minute to minute. So, it’s become far more easy to tell if a couple is on the uppers — or have actually split — if you only monitor their social media feeds (and which one of us can say, with complete honesty, that we are not social media stalkers?). 

The first sign comes when the until-now ‘happy couple’ stop posting about each other on their stories. The next thing to look for is when all photos of the erstwhile partner begin disappearing off the grid. And as if that is not enough to tell the ending of this love story, then final confirmation comes when the erstwhile partners stop following each other on Instagram. 

There are some who content themselves with this, thinking that the message will go through to their friends and followers. But there are others who take this a step further, posting cryptic posts about hurt and healing, how things that don’t kill you make you stronger, and my particular favourite, how it’s better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all. 

If the couple is high profile enough well then obviously this change in their status merits the release of a personal statement. If the breakup is amicable this is issued jointly and in general consists of harmless platitudes about how this particular journey may have come to an end but they will now move on apart with love and affection for one another. And that they and their family should be granted the gift of privacy to recover at this difficult time. If the break up is anything but amicable then you get two separate statements, both dripping with hurt and angst. And reading between the lines it is not hard to tell who the injured party is in this instance.

Of course, not everyone takes the high road on social media. There are some who announce that an old relationship is over by simply posting pictures of themselves with their new partners without a word of explanation, leaving us to work out how the land lies. And then there are those who make calculated digs at their exes without naming them — even though the reference to them is absolutely clear in the context. 

I guess in a world where everyone has a microphone at their disposal it’s up to every single person to decide how they want to navigate the end of a relationship. But there is something to be said for the dignified silence of yesteryear even though it led to the odd embarrassing situation at parties and the like. 

Bin it!

Not so fast! Make so and mend still makes sense in this age of disposable fashion

I always look forward to this time of the year because I can finally pull out my winter wardrobe and give it an airing before I mothball it away in a couple of months. This year, though, I was dejected to find that my favourite pair of black suede boots had lost their soles. After my initial disappointment, I told myself not to be so silly. I could always find a good cobbler who would re-sole them and then I would get another few years’ wear out of them.

 

Well, easier said than done. I looked high and low in my neighbourhood, then extended the search further outward, but I couldn’t find a single cobbler who could repair my boots. I even ventured into slightly upmarket shoe stores to ask if they could do the repair – or at least suggest someone who could – but with no luck. Repairing soles, apparently, was now a lost art. Or at the very least, not worth the bother.

 

I guess I should have known better. Sadly, we seem to live in an age of disposable fashion – in fact, disposable everything. So, if a dress gets a tear then you are meant to throw it away. Socks with a hole are not darned but discarded. If the steam iron stops working for some reason, it is easier to just go out and buy another rather than find someone to fix it. Glass bottles of Coke or Limca are just thrown into the garbage rather than sent back to the shop for recycling.

 

What a pity that is! Growing up, I was surrounded by a culture in which make do and mend, recycle and reuse were not just empty slogans but mantras that we actually lived by. School shoes were mended if they broke until you finally grew out of them. Cold drink bottles were carefully stored after we finished and returned to the store to get the deposit back. If clothes got too worn out they would be repurposed as dusters or sewn together with an elegant kantha stitch to make bedcovers or dohars. And every plastic bottle or container that came in was used to store everything from spices in the kitchen to extra buttons and threads in each colour to repair clothes.

 

Those days are long gone. Now, we live in a culture that treats everything as disposable. The durrie in your living room has unravelled? Don’t bother with repairing it; just chuck it out and get another. Your cashmere sweater had a hole in it? Never mind about doing a spot of ‘raffoo’; just get rid of it and buy a replacement. Your favourite boots have lost their soles? Never mind trying to fix them; just throw them out…

 

Well, hang on a minute. I am not so sure that I want to go down that path. As far as my boots go, I haven’t given up hope as yet. I am still holding out for a miracle worker who can fix what is essentially a minor problem, and return them to a state in which I can enjoy them for another decade. 

 

After all, these boots were made for walking; and I am not ready to walk away from them just yet.

 

The taste of winter

The pollution may have destroyed the Delhi winter; but there are still some treats to enjoy

There was a time when I used to be ecstatic at the thought of the approaching Delhi winter. There were bonfires to organize on cold evenings, sunny afternoon brunches to attend, picnics to enjoy with family and friends. Walks in the gentle afternoon sun were a particular delight. And there was something particularly life-affirming about getting up on a chilly morning and sipping a steaming cup of coffee while watching the mist clear.

 

Those days are long gone. Now I dread the arrival of winter because it is the season when pollution levels in the capital reach stratospheric levels. And instead of heading out to enjoy the great outdoors, I have to hunker down in my room with two air-purifiers on at full blast to make sure that my asthma doesn’t get triggered by the foul air. The smog outside lasts through the day with the sun barely managing to peek through, and heading out for even a brief period seems like a punishment rather than a pleasure.

 

So, are there any joys left of a Delhi winter? Well, since you ask, the only thing that makes the season worth its while is the food. I have always been a great believer in seasonal eating and this is the time when my perennial favourites hit the market. Here, in no particular order of importance, are just some of them:

 

·       Sarson da Saag: It is always a momentous occasion in my household when I make my first sarson da saag of the season. It requires copious quantities of ghee and ginger; lashings of the creamiest white butter; leavened with the heat of some dried red chillies in the tarka. The makki di roti that accompanies it is softened with some grated mooli and gobhi in the dough. And it’s served up with some good old-fashioned gur. I usually make enough saag to last us a week; and then, I just rinse and repeat until the sarson season is over.

·       Alu Methi: If I had to choose a favourite vegetable, it would be methi, without a doubt. And there is no denying that alu and methi is a match made in heaven: the plump softness of the potato takes on the slightly bitter edge of the methi to create an earthy dish that is truly satisfying in the bitter cold.

·       Bathua: Some people like making a saag of this leafy vegetable, but I like it best in a creamy raita. Just boil the leaves with a pinch of salt until tender, squeeze the excess water out, add it to some salted dahi with a dash of red chilli and freshly roasted and ground cumin (onions are strictly optional). 

·       Moongphali and santara: There is something magical about sitting in the winter sun – no matter how weak it is! – and slowly unfurling an orange from its peel, removing the strings until its glistening core is revealed, and then popping every segment into the mouth where it explodes like a flavour bomb. Every mouthful of orange should ideally be alternated with a handful of freshly-shelled peanuts roasted in sand so that they have a salty edge to them. That mixture of sweet and salty is, for me, the taste of a Delhi winter.

 

There are no rules...

At the airport, where all norms of civilised behaviour seem to collapse

 

I was on my way back from my New Year break when it first hit me. Arriving at the airport at the unearthly hour of 6 am to take a flight back to Delhi, sleepy and bleary-eyed (I never can sleep when I know I have to wake up early in the morning), all I wanted was a nice cup of coffee to jolt me into consciousness. But as I walked to the coffee counter at the lounge, I realized to my horror that some of my fellow passengers were indulging in an entirely different kind of tipple. Some of them were cracking open cans of beers, others were pouring themselves glasses of wine (or was it champagne?) while some others were hitting the vodka and gin. At 6 in the morning!

 

That’s when the realization hit me: when you are at the airport, anything goes. The normal rules and regulations of civilized behavior no longer exist, and everyone does pretty much what they want. So, if they want to anesthetize themselves with alcohol early in the morning before they get on to their flight (presumably so that they can knock themselves into senseless slumber once they are on board) then that’s what they will do, without thought of being judged (and being found wanting).

 

But untimely drinking is just the tip of the iceberg. If you have spent any time at all in airports recently – and I am sure that most of you have – then you will know that this dismissal of rules extends far beyond the choice of beverage. Most of us would not want to be caught dead in our pyjamas in a shopping mall or in a neighbourhood park. But I have lost count of the number of people who turn up to the check-in counter wearing what can only be described as sleepwear. I know that the days when air travel was a glamorous activity that people dressed up for are long over. But even so, this seems to be taking the “being comfy on the plane” thing a bit too far.

 

You could argue, though, that how you dress does not really impact your fellow travellers, except at a purely aesthetic level. But what does destroy the peace is the propensity of people to have loud conversations on Facetime without the benefit of earphones at the airport. And don’t even get me started on those people who watch videos on their phones and ipads or play games on top volume and look outraged when you suggest that they use their earphones. 

 

What accounts for this complete lack of civic sense? Do we feel that when we enter an airport, we are entering some sort of other-worldly portal between two cities, a place where the norms of civilized behavior can be thrown abroad without any fear of judgement or retribution? Do we believe that because we are surrounded by strangers and people who we will never see again in our lives, we are not required to present our best selves to them? Or is it that we feel so untethered from our daily lives at the airport, that we have come to believe that anything goes while we are there?

 

I really don’t know what the correct answer is. But I still think it’s worth asking the question.